Unspeakable Ache

Some days you can get by without noticing it too much. You sail through the mists of time and space being preoccupied with work, family, habits, chores, and the mundane details of your life. But other days it hits you hard; you are not planning on thinking about the Loss, when it smacks you in the face. Loss. The loss of someone you loved; someone you cared so deeply about, that the lack of their presence in the World is a consistent Unspeakable Ache.

You then wade cautiously into the waters of Feelings: slowly at first, just up to your ankles. Then, suddenly you are up to your torso in the current of emotions so strong, it almost knocks you over. You are overcome with a wave of memories that wash over your entirety until you are pulled under and tossed into the riptide.

Trying to extricate yourself from this swirl of emotional waters is difficult, and often impossible. Sometimes you just have to ride it out and give yourself over to it; go with the flow, as it were. Finally coming back up for air, you find yourself drenched and exhausted. You wonder HOW can it be? How can the loved one not be in this realm? When and Where will you find him/her again?

I have lost friends, lovers, family members, and dogs. I have loved them all, and have experienced this Unspeakable Ache repeatedly. I know it is a sign of the depth of my feelings for them; but it never goes away completely, and the feeling of desperation, soul-wrenching agony, and utter powerlessness does not change. It surprises me regularly: that it can feel so raw and new each time is astonishing. It is, for me, the Unspeakable Ache.