Author: barbarabeardsley

I stood alone in the dining room to open the Amazon box. I knew it was from my dearest Friend, and I wanted to feel alone with her and this gift. Inside was a small drawstring pouch with a tissue-wrapped treasure in its silky core. I could feel something solid, and as I carefully unwound the tissue, I discovered the piece of jewelry she had sent to commemorate my 70th birthday. A beautiful modern representation of the famous Irish Tara Brooch. This one, designed to anchor a scarf, had Green Agate stones and Celtic Knots around the circle. Another perfect gift in a series of perfect gifts that has endured throughout our friendship. She always knows what I will appreciate and, more importantly, need at any given time.

My friend has been going through the fight of her life for the past several months; battling the huge Dragon, and suffering the pain of surgery and radiation treatments. Yet, in the midst of intense physical suffering and the struggle of dealing with so much emotional and mental stress, she managed to find and send this intensely meaningful gift. The human spirit is astonishing, and never ceases to amaze me.

Because we are both descended from Irish ancestors, my friend and I share a connection to Irish traditions and symbolism. The Celtic Knot is special to us for a lot of reasons. In many ways, it stands for the bond that we forged in 1962 as schoolgirls. The Knot is constructed of complete loops that have no start or finish; it is often said to represent Eternity, whether this means Loyalty, Faith, Friendship, or Love. Only one thread is used, and the completed Knot symbolizes the interconnectedness of Life and Eternity. It is this connection that one begins to face after becoming a woman “d’un certain age”.

As I look out at the world through my now 70-year-old eyes, I see things more clearly. With age, they say, comes Wisdom. Perhaps. I do know that one gains a perspective that can only come with surviving the slings and arrows. My friend and I have both weathered storms through the decades, and although she has been the one suffering immensely lately, my connection to her has brought that struggle home to me. I have prayed a LOT recently: prayed for her to recover fully, and for us to once again share time and laughter. The importance of our Friendship is on the front burner every day. I wake with it and sleep with it.

Some recent study showed significant proof that the reason we connect with certain friends and lovers is that our brains are literally wired the same. I believe it. How else can it be that we meet someone who completely understands us on a cellular level? Someone who knows our thoughts and hopes and dreams so thoroughly? I have those moments of sheer delight when my friend finishes my sentences or gets my jokes. I have learned that in this Life it is SO important to be known and understood. My husband and my closest friends really get me, and that is everything.

We can all be proud of our lifetime’s accomplishments. These may be different for each of us, but achievements mark what we valued and what we’ve done with our time. Now that interconnectedness of Life and Eternity starts to take on an increased relevance as we turn 70.So, as I took stock of my achievements the other day (starting a new decade of years will do that for you), I found myself making yet another list.( It is, after all, what I do). This list was most gratifying. In the still of the night, as I lay in bed next to my sleeping Love, I made a mental list of the real, true friends I have. The requirements were these: Loyalty, Trust, and Love. If I called any of these people at two in the morning and asked for help, money, or counsel, I know they would give it without asking why. And they wouldn’t even complain about me waking them up. This list had a dozen people’s names on it. I decided then and there that aside from raising a really kind and good Daughter, that list was my greatest achievement so far. I hope to achieve a lot more as I go forward into my future years, but I am pretty sure that list will retain its importance.

My friend who is now in recovery was at the top of that list, of course. Our alliance has stood the test of time, distance, and outrageous fortune. The Celtic Knot will always represent US; it does stand for the trinity of Soul, Heart, and Mind. Since pagan times, the Knot has linked people’s aspirations for unity, and it links mine to her. We have that special connectedness that keeps us in touch with each other’s feelings, no matter what happens. We are, with a nod to our Irish ancestors, very lucky.

Look, I am turning 70 in three days….maybe 2 and 1/2 days….very soon! I thought I should write a little bit about what this FEELS like. I may want to remember when I am lots older, right?

Anywho…..people in my inner circle have started talking to me about this lately. Like, “Can you believe we are THIS old?”. Stuff like that. So, I’ve started thinking about how I feel about turning 70. Weird. All I can think of each time I say it aloud is the line from Paul Simon’s song “Old Friends”: “how terribly strange to be 70”. Now that seemed like REALLY ancient back in the ’60’s when I wasn’t even 20 yet. Perspective. Relativity. It sure feels different now.

I can certainly tell that my body has aged; there are signs on the skin and creaks in the joints. But, as most agree, one doesn’t feel much different on the INside. I think we choose a mental age somewhere around 40, when we have really and truly grown up, and we stay with that age. INside. I think by the time I was in my 40’s I knew what I knew, and accepted my core beliefs as solid. I don’t think much has changed in there since then.

So, this aging thing. I now believe your attitude towards aging has to do with where you are emotionally and spiritually at any given point. Four years ago I was quite unhappy with my circumstances. I was not well, had a very sick Mom in a long-term care facility, and no committed partner in my life. I longed for good health, a resolution to my Mom’s battle with Parkinson’s Disease, and a man who loved and understood me. I knew my Mom was nearing the end of her fight, and each day was depressing having to face that fact. My own disease journey was painful, and I became increasingly incapacitated as time went by. I had always wanted a deeply committed, fulfilling, and honest relationship, and the odds of finding that seemed slim. That year, facing 66 years old was difficult.

But, things CAN turn around. Change is the evolutionary constant; and CHANGE came my way big time. Long story shortened, Mom passed. The combination of Grief and Relief took a while to absorb. I spent a year and a half trying to find out what was wrong with me before I got the right diagnosis and medication. I got better. And then I got the courage to do something that changed everything for me.

The very short version is this: I put a message in a bottle, figuratively. I mailed a letter to someone I hadn’t seen in 50 years, and asked him what his life had been like. I told him that I had never forgotten our one, brief date in college; that I had always wondered what became of him. Weeks later, he called. We began a five month phone conversation that concluded with a SECOND date, 5o years after the first one. What are the odds, you ask? Astronomical. But it happened. And then we fell in love for good.

So, as I approach my 70th birthday, my attitude toward aging is colored by my incredible good fortune. I feel luckier than I ever dreamed possible. I thank God every single day for all of this. Today I am healthy, my family is healthy, my furry child Teddy (aka THE BEST DOG IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD) is always near me, and I have my Soul Mate at my side. Sure there are aches and pains, age spots, wrinkles, gurgles, creaks, and word retrieval issues. But ya know what? Life is Beautiful.

This year, perhaps more than any I can remember, waiting for Spring is tough. We all know that it will come eventually. We know that fact because, in the past, when extremely rough Winters have lingered, Spring has triumphed over the cold, hateful weather at some point. At some point. Eventually. At long last.

This Winter, with its terrible virus, has lingered in a much more dangerous way than previous Winters. We have collectively been frightened, and told to stay inside. We are enduring isolation, deprivation, anxiety, and frustration. We are testing our mental and physical strength in new ways.We need Spring. Rebirth. Rejuvenation. Reconnection. We need each other in ways we took for granted.

Throughout human history, natural history, and the mythology of humankind’s religions, there has been Rebirth. Renaissance. Renewal. Regeneration. Resurrection. We have learned about this, and we have witnessed this each Spring. The brave little crocuses on my lawn have risen, through snow, sleet, wind, and rain. They are proudly sticking their faces ever upward to the Sun. The green leaves of the perennial flowers I have planted are stubbornly pushing their way upward as well. The fledgling leaves on my massive Maple tree are clustering together despite harsh breezes; they are saying “we are here and we are ready to burst forth”. And the birds and squirrels are busy preparing for their young: the future of their species.

I am trying to be as brave as the crocuses and the leaves. I am hoping for a Renewal of my life’s activities and my relationships with family and friends. I am almost certain that the way things were and the way things will be going forward are going to be substantially different. I am not sure how we will navigate those changes, but I am sure we will do it. We don’t have much choice. The only choice each of us will have is how we react going forward. How much Grace and Courage we exhibit. How much Kindness and Compassion we share.

I wish for each of you the bravery of the flowers and trees and animals. I wish for you the simple yet necessary Hope they carry for the future of our lovely planet. Happy Earth Day.

It’s my Birthday, and I feel compelled to write something about the changes in my attitude toward aging. Ok, I am 69 today. Yes, it does feel strange to think about the actual number. BUT, here’s the deal.

I am so very fortunate to have achieved this number. In French you say, literally, “How many years do you HAVE”? So, owning these years is an accomplishment. I have 69 of them; and I have lost so many good friends and dear relatives who have NOT made it this far, that I see myself as very fortunate. I have no need to hide my age or pretend I am not getting older. It’s a really lucky thing to have more years. I feel really blessed today.

It is important today to take stock of what is IN my life, as well. I have People in my life who love me. They show me this everyday with their acts of kindness and caring. Friends, relatives, and my own Family show me constantly how they are happy that I am in THEIR lives, too. How incredibly lucky is that? My circle of close friends is supportive and attentive and giving: marvelous, intelligent, hilarious beings, all. I have my daughter and  my grandson, who bring joy and laughter to my days.

I also have the greatest DOG in the Whole Wide World. Theodore, know to most as “Teddy”, is smart, loving, forgiving, and has a great sense of humor. He is always up for anything I suggest, and stays close to me to keep me in line.

And I have my True Love. He is sensitive, compassionate, courageous, protective, creative, supportive, and brilliant. So, today I will have another Very Happy Birthday. What’s not to like?

The idea came to me recently that human relationships have qualities similar to the navigation of a boat. (Hmmmm….I wonder why I am thinking in marine terms these days?) Anyway, here is the point: to successfully keep a relation-SHIP afloat (see what I did there?), both partners have to be able to navigate the dangerous and challenging  waters of Tolerance, Patience, Compassion, Forgiveness, and most of all, Difference. We all see and experience things differently; just ask most couples and you will find some extraordinary ranges of perception between them. So, how do we deal with these, often extreme, disparities?

I have asked friends and relatives about what happens when two people have diametrically opposed views on…let’s say…politics. The answer I have consistently gotten is: “we just don’t talk about politics in our home”. Sounded rather strange to me at first; but then, as I understood more about the give and take of a long term and deeply committed relationship, I got it. There is so much more than political ideology between the partners, that they can put that piece on the shelf, and go forward. Of course, there has to be a very strong bond in place; a bond that is built on many commonalities of world view, life goals, civility, respect, mutual admiration, and…oh, yes..LOVE. You have to really LOVE someone to make the kind of concessions required to steer this boat. Each of you has to be ready to give the other a break, take the helm, and move smoothly forward.

Not easy, you say? What if your husband’s kids are a mess? What if your Mother-in-law is a constant thorn in your side? What if you cannot stand your partner’s ex? All of these things are potential Icebergs in the Sea of Love. However, this is where the work lies. We all have be willing to regularly work on establishing more compassion and tolerance, IF we want to sail off into that wonderful Sunset of longevity with our partner.

I think we need to pull back, take a deep breath, and inhale the deep and resounding Truth that Love is all you need. Really. If you have enough of it, you will find the ways to accept the differences, respect the other person’s perceptions, and honor their spirit. All this is absolutely necessary to keep that vessel chugging along.

I have been thinking a lot about Brothers these past few weeks. When I was growing up, I always yearned for a full-time Brother. I had a half-brother, Ralph, from my Dad’s first marriage, who lived with his own Mother and visited when schedules allowed. The childhood photo above shows us in 1959 when I am 8 and he is 11.He turned out to be very bright, funny, and a solid citizen-much like our shared Father. We have stayed connected throughout our lives, despite being raised in separate homes; since neither of us ever had other siblings, I think we bonded early and fostered that relationship despite our distance and very different interests. He is special to me for many reasons.

I have also had the good fortune to be given many other Brothers; these are the chosen kind, not the blood-related kind. Over the years I have forged some very tight friendships with some amazing men who have become what I think of as my “Band of Brothers”. These guys are smart, talented, and compassionate people who have, for one reason or another, taken me under their strong wings and supported me. Sometimes they are people I can call to just talk through difficult times, or people I have to call when something hilarious, outrageous, or heartbreaking happens. They are always in my corner, which is such a comfort.

First there is Thom. We met when I was dating my then boyfriend (later husband), David. He was one of David’s best friends, and I could easily see why almost immediately. Thom is amazingly talented, very sensitive, and full of that special combination of compassion and integrity. I know I can call him anytime and he will listen, comment, and cheer me up just by being himself. We have shared heartache stories, single parenting stories, and so much more,that I almost cannot remember a time when I didn’t know him. Angels guided Thom my way early on, and I am so grateful.

Then there is Lenny. This Brother came into my life when I was twelve and working during school vacations for a florist where my Mom worked. Lenny worked there delivering flowers for a while during his college years at Portland School of Art. He was 11 years older than I was, so our friendship didn’t really start until I was in my twenties. At that time, he was a well-known local artist and musician. I enlisted him to play in a band that I put together, and our strong friendship was cemented. Over the years we have discussed every subject imaginable. He has come through for me in so many ways, from musical situations, to support for my many and various creative projects. I also became close to his Family, particularly his Mother, over the years. We are truly Scorpio Sister and Brother.

Craig came into my life through David, as well. He was part of the original Los Angeles gang of musicians and buddies that I met in 1971. But Craig and I developed a separate friendship based on common values and hard-won fights. Our struggles were sometime similar, sometimes not; but we have always had an innate understanding of each other that has proven to be a real blessing in my life. When I hear his voice on the phone, I know I will learn something from him, and I know he will really listen to me. This talented and special man is another Brother I love dearly.

There are other Brothers in my life for various reasons. Neil will always be a Brother who listens, analyzes, sympathizes, and sends love my way. He is bright, complex, and empathetic in so many ways. Mike is my dear pal who is like family to me: we learned to write together in High School and have kept up our strong connection for over fifty years. He is very smart, kind, uproariously funny, and a true Brother.

As usual, when I reflect on my past friendships, I realize how lucky I am to have the people I treasure in my life. My Brothers support me, challenge me, protect me, and cheer me on. I love all of them. Thanks, Bro.

I have always thought of myself as having a lot of self-control and good anger management. Lately, however, I am questioning this assessment.

For example, if I see ONE more article, post, or advertisement incorrectly using an apostrophe (either when there should be one, or when there should not be one), I may go postal. Seriously. When someone writes “I hope your feeling better”…I want to scream! Or how about: ” I have a collection of Santa’s”. Santa’s what? Leftover cookies? Anyway, these are reasons that some of my pals call me “Conan the Grammarian”.

Another thorn in my side is the constant loud and ubiquitous usage of cell phones. Unless you are a World Leader, Brain Surgeon, or CIA chief, how important is that conversation you are having? I mean, really? Does everyone at the supermarket need to hear about your latest bunion removal? Do we all need to know that little Kaylie won a trophy for attendance? Will there ever again be silent shopping? Isn’t the “music” played over the sound system torture enough? But I digress……….

If I made a list of the THINGS THAT BOTHER ME THE MOST these days, it would go something like this: The News. I now call it “Death, Dismemberment, Disaster, and Divisiveness”. I can no longer call most of it Journalism ( in which I have a degree). Scam Phone Calls. They are constant around all meal times, and becoming more and more cleverly dangerous. I really wish I could reach into the phone and grab the jugular veins. Too much? Remakes of movies and television shows. Some things really cannot be improved upon, and no one should try. Waiting for to see a physician. It is stressful enough that you have to be in the Doctor’s office for an appointment; it seems to be extreme cruelty and abusive treatment to have to wait for (sometimes ) hours. Maybe the physicians could offer free craft classes while you wait; that way you could have your appointment and leave with a scarf or potholder.

Maybe it comes with age, this intolerance. Maybe we get cranky because we start to feel that we have less time to waste, and every moment is precious. Or maybe I am just feeling the accumulation of a lifetime of small frustrations we all get to experience. I don’t know why, but I am more easily given to thoughts of slapping someone upside the head these days. I guess as long as I don’t act on it, I am still within the bounds of civilized society. Right?

But just in case, don’t get me started.

Rituals are comforting. Winter in Maine is full of rituals, and I have come to see them as reassuring. If I were younger, these daily tasks and predictable chores might seem annoying and boring; but at this time I find them a consolation for enduring the dark, cold, bitter Winter days.

Each morning as we layer on clothing and prepare breakfast, there are birds and squirrels to be fed. My man puts on the necessary sweaters and hats and boots, and ventures forth, cups full of seeds in hand, and doles out the first of several buffet rounds for our furry and feathered pals.

I am in the kitchen, cooking oatmeal while watching out the windows to see who arrives first at the Maple Tree Smorgasbord. After breakfast it is time for a brief dose of what I now call “death, destruction, and division”….the headlines of the morning news. Two or three minutes in,  and I can take no more, so I head for the warmth and escape of the shower.

As the day progresses there are meals to prepare, for both dog and humans. There are cleaning chores, shoveling, trips to the market, and as always.. laundry. There are at least two or three phone calls I must make to check on various family members and friends. I have my online business to take care of, and He has archeological work to organize. I have Writing to do, and He has Art to create.

When the afternoon sun reaches West, we slow down activity and watch the late comers feed on the deck. After dinner we unwind with an old sitcom and Jeopardy, keeping those Geezer neurons firing at top speed.

If I had read this ritual recitation at twenty-five, I would have yawned, laughed, and said ” How boring. They should get a Life”. But at sixty-eight, I have come to realize what is important: We need to nurture our most important relationships with those we love. We should try to improve our corner of the World in whatever small and kinds ways we can. We should do something that feeds our Souls every single day.

Often I think of the Zen Buddhist quote: ” Before Enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After Enlightenment, chop wood and carry water”.

Rituals are an acquired taste. Rituals are comforting.

Valentine’s Day is approaching, and I decided to write about LOVE. It’s a funny thing, Love. You may spend most of your life either looking for it or wondering about it; but when it arrives, you are almost always surprised. It doesn’t give a lot of warning. It just shows up with a parade of crashing cymbals and blaring trumpets, overwhelming you with new sensations, sounds, and feelings. Then, it moves next to you with a quartet of strings, softly swaying your heart and soul. Soon it becomes a somehow familiar melody that keeps running through your mind. Ultimately, you succumb to the joyous music and it penetrates every fiber of your being, until it becomes a part of your every breath and thought.

I have been in Love before. I have also been infatuated, had crushes, and been in varying stages of lust before. But when the REAL THING comes along, it is very, very different. This Love is the greatest gift of all, because it is transformative and all-consuming. Every single atom in the Universe takes on a new meaning, and the simplest of actions or events have significance. I now have a greater sensitivity to the beauty around me in Nature, in Humankind, and in the vastness of the Cosmos.

I am sure there are cynics among my readers who will assume that this is hyperbole, or that I am looking through rose-colored glasses. But I am here to tell you that this kind of Love actually exists. I am experiencing it daily, and I am as flabbergasted as can be. I have not known these feelings before, and so they astound me.

Those of you who are already familiar with all of this may chuckle with recognition, or sigh with fond memories. But for those of you who, like me, have spent decades wondering if this Soul-Mate kind of Love can really happen…….please take Heart. Literally. Because it can, and does happen.

I hoped and dreamed for years that someone would come into my life and really understand Me. Someone who really gets me. Someone who loves me the way I love Him. Well, he arrived.

Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers. I will leave you with this quote which the remarkable Vladimir Nabokov wrote in a letter to his wife:

“You came into my life-not as one comes to visit…but as one comes to a kingdom where all the rivers have been waiting for your reflection, all the roads, for your steps.”